The Evils of Perl (or Logic Should Make Sense)

The people who know me professionally (even a little) have probably picked up on the fact that I hate Perl. I spent several years as a sysadmin, so I come by my Perl aversion honestly.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a useful language and I found it to be a very handy tool, but it’s so very easy to make code that even the person who wrote it isn’t sure what it does. The next day.

Or it could be that I’m a crappy developer. Either’s possible. Maybe a little from Column A and a little from Column B.

It’s the only language that I’ve seen where your cat can walk across the keyboard and come up with a valid program. What does it do? We may never know. It may parse a file for a list of addresses, trigger an ICBM launch, or create animated gifs of dancing cats, but by gum it’ll run.

Personally, I’m hoping for the dancing cat gifs. Everyone loves dancing kitties.

My standard quip for why I finally stopped coding Perl is that in any sane language, to get the length of an array, you do something along the lines of myArray.length. That may not be exactly how it’s done, but it will be something similar.

In Perl, you do the following: $myArray = @myArray

You assign the array variable to a scalar variable (single piece of information. Int, char, etc.). This to me makes zero sense from a logical standpoint.

I made that comment about a week or so ago, and the person I was talking to said that it makes perfect sense because it’s an implicit type conversion. (I’m not sure if he was joking or not. I hope, and think, that he was).

He had a sort of point about implicit type conversion, but that sort of thing is supposed to follow a logical convention of some kind. For example, an implicit conversion from int to long makes sense (it’s basically just shoving existing data into a bigger container).

You could even make the case for implicit conversion between string and character array data types. I wouldn’t do it, because it’s probably better done explicitly so you don’t shoot yourself in the foot, but the argument could be made.

However, using implicit conversion to cast an array to (effectively) an integer in order to get the length of the array doesn’t make any logical sense. It’s like buying a chicken because you want a renewable source of pineapples.

In what non-Euclidian universe does this make sense?

“Well, I just need to figure out how long this array is, so I’ll assign it to a scalar and HOLY CRAP! THERE’S CTHULHU!”

Ia! Ia! ArrayLength! Fhtagn!

Any language that will summon Cthulhu by simply using it is probably a bad choice…

Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to Great Old One proof my office.

Current mood: Amused

Current music: Charlie Daniels Band – The Devil Went Down to Georgia

In The Beginning

In the beginning, there was a television. To the television was attached a Tandy TRS-80 CoCo. Then he said, let there be code. And there was code, and it was in BASIC. He was a child and found the fact that he could make a computer do things to be really cool.

As a teenager, the internet was laid open to him. HTML was discovered and there were many horrible mistakes made, including the dreaded animated gifs of flaming skulls and spinning things. The land was known as GeoCities, and it was eventually cast into perdition for its sins.

Then was Java made known unto him, and, though he tried, he found it confusing. This was the first age of Java, so he was not alone in this.

Lo then did he graduate high school and make his way to college in an effort to learn to do this shit properly.

There did he learn of many things – Pascal and Prolog, C and C++, Scheme and Assembly, Socket programming, the creation of data packets, and stack traces among many other skills and pieces of arcane lore.

He paid the campus ferryman with his toils as a sysadmin where he applied logic to a place of chaos known as a non-profit. All the while, using his position as an excuse to do things programmatically so as not to have to run around the hilltop known as The Ridges as often.

Then did he return to Java, and he found it…okay. After all, with a background in object oriented programming, data structures, and the like, Java now made much more sense.

Upon his path, however, he decided that Java was not the right tool for him, so he endeavored to learn C#. Additionally, in order to wipe away, or at least atone for, his past sins of using Perl, he also learned Ruby to an extent that would allow himself to get into (and hopefully out of) trouble on occasion.

He walked the paths of desktop development and eventually began to work in order to master the arts of web development as well using the MVC framework. So, then, did his past of using HTML and CSS come back to him (though, thankfully, the flaming skulls and spinning things did not), and that is where he stands as of this day.

Current Mood - Tired

Current Music - Shades Apart - Stranger By The Day

GPS - The Angry Wife Edition

I live in a city where I frequently have no idea how to get where I’m going. I used to use MapQuest before I got my GPS several years ago.

It’s a wonderful device, but I refer to it as “The angry little woman in the box” because the voice sounds rather annoyed when it says “recalculating” if you miss your turn or opt for another route. In fact, I think they must have multiple clips for “recalculating”, because she sounds angrier every time she says it, but that could just be my imagination.

It’s like having an irate spouse in the car with you (my girlfriend agrees).

 

 

“Turn left”

I don’t want to turn left. This road is a better option

“Recalculating. In 0.5 miles, turn left”

No, I want to stay on this road. It lets me bypass a lot of nasty intersections and is only 2 minutes slower

“If you don’t listen to me, why do you even take me along?”

I do listen to you, but in this case, I know a better route for this part of the trip

“You don’t love me anymore. I saw you looking at that other GPS in the store”

That’s a model for hiking and geocaching

“She’s a model, is she?? I bet you felt her up too! Damned skinny bitch”

Oh, now you’re just being silly

“I am NOT being silly. You don’t touch me like you used to! I catch you looking at other GPS’es and now you don’t even listen when I tell you to turn left!”

I’m just saying that this time, going straight is a better option.

“That’s it! I’m going to my mother’s! TURN RIGHT!”

 

 

Slice of Life.

Sometimes things happen that I just find myself wanting to share. This is one of them, taken from an email from Karyl.

“Robert (a co-worker) and I were discussing the amazing batman nipple armor and why it needs to have nipples.

I said maybe they shoot lasers.

He decided if he were a criminal, as soon as he saw lasers shooting from batman's nipples, he'd stop right then and there just to never have to see that again. lol”

Current mood: tired
Current music: Def Leppard – Pour Some Sugar On Me

Dear Dr Dobb's…

Tis the season – the time for planning gatherings with family and friends, buying presents, and pondering the greater meaning of life.

It’s also the end of the fiscal year for some places I deal with which means in addition to planning a holiday with Karyl, I’m getting requests like “We’re over budget for the rest of the year. Can we bump the payment date a few weeks?” and “We need to use the rest of our budget before the end of the year so we don’t lose it next year. Can we start the billing cycle a little early?”

Neither of those are things I really have a problem with. Most of my clients have been really great about paying on time, so it’s not a big deal. It just makes life a little crazy for the last few weeks of the year.

Consequently, I just got to yesterday’s mail this evening. That’s right, everything that wasn’t either a bill, a check, or something immediately recognizable as having come from a friend was put into a pile on the side of my desk until I had time to give it a glance.

One of those things was the latest issue of Dr Dobb's.

The moment I looked at it, I had to suppress a giggle because there was a mistake on the front cover. In large, bold letters, in order to announce its feature article, it read:

“Functional Programming: Has It’s Ship Come In?”

That’s right. The editors at one of the best regarded programming magazines apparently don’t know the difference between “It’s” and “Its”.

So, if any of the staff of Dr Dobb's read this blog (unlikely, but weirder things have happened), drop me a line via email or give me a call at the number listed on my homepage should you like to hire a new editor.

After all, I have worked in the IT field for a number of years, have been the executive editor of a magazine read by 500,000+ people worldwide and, most importantly, I know the difference between “It’s” and “Its”. =]

Current mood: amused
Current music: Feeder - Shatter

Slice of Life.

Sometimes there are conversations that just have to be shared for the amusement factor. This is a snippet of one of those between my girlfriend, Karyl, and myself carried out via email while we were both taking a break from working.

Karyl: What kind of chocolate have YOU been eating? lol
Me: The chocolate of the innocent :P
Karyl: Who do you know that bleeds chocolate and where can I find them? :P
Me: They're really rare. They were especially prized by the Mayans and Aztecs, so they went into hiding...
Karyl: Find me a colony of them. I might just have to turn vampire. :P mmm chooocolate.

GPS Fun.

Over the last few days, I've been playing with my new GPS. Among other things, I've had great fun looking through the local points of interest.

It's taught me a few things. Among them:

• There are 3 libraries in this town including the genealogy library (I already knew this, but I wasn't sure where the other two were).
• There are 20 banks/atms within 6.1 miles of where I currently am.
• There are 52 churches within 6.1 miles of my current location.

Think about that for a second. There are 3 libraries in the whole town, but within just 6.1 miles of where I am sitting right now, there are 52 churches. That says a lot about this area.

Then I started noticing the names of some of the churches.

The First Church of God - That's a little pretentious don't you think? I mean, honestly...

Chillicothe Bible Church - I wasn't aware that this town had it's very own bible, but that might help to explain some of the really screwed up parts of the worldview around here. They probably took out all of the love thy neighbor stuff and added in more than a little extra fire and brimstone...

And my favorite of the ones I saw...

Deliverance Baptist Church - I kind of wonder if there's a kid playing banjo outside the door and if sermons start with "Boy, you've got a pertty mouth..."
(I can make those jokes. I grew up around an area that could have inspired that movie...)

Though I have to say that none of the names are as good as the one that has to be my favorite.

About 10 miles or so from where I grew up, sitting at the side of a road I used to drive to go to one of my favorite fishing spots, was a little church. It wasn't always a church. In fact, it started out its life as a one room schoolhouse, but it had been a church for quite some time by the time I was born.

But yes, it was a tiny little church with a hand painted sign - The Holy Ghost Filled Church of Jesus Christ.

The name has since changed, and I wish I had gotten a photo.

My second favorite church name had to be one in my hometown. It was called The Church on the Move. The only problem is that, as long as I knew it was there, it never seemed to go anywhere unless it was like Baba Yaga's hut and grew chicken legs to run around the town with while everyone was asleep...

I somehow doubt it, but you have to admit that a church running around town on a set of chicken legs is sort of a fun mental image. Especially if there were unsuspecting people inside at the time *giggles*

Current mood: Tired but ammused
Current music: New Order - Crystal

New Toy.

I've been depending on Mapquest pretty heavily recently, so I figured it was time to break down and just get a GPS.

On the advice of a number of people I talk to, I ended up deciding on the Garmin Nuvi. It's small, has a decent battery life, does what I need without a serious case of feature creep, and the price is decent, so I picked one up.

It got here yesterday. The first surprise was that, instead of the unit I ordered, they sent me an upgraded model (no complaint here). I was, however, kind of annoyed that, while there was a car charger, there was no AC charger included. It's not a huge deal. I just have to get an adapter, but still.

So, in the meantime, I'm recharging it on my computer (it charges through its data port).

I spent part of the night playing around with it, adding favorite locations, etc.

After a while, I started looking at the built in points of interest, and ended up finding things I never knew were around here. One of them, however, made me do a double take:

DUI Limo Services.

Would you want to get a ride from a place called DUI Limo Services? I have to say that I'd be a little reluctant to use them for fear of truth in advertising...

Current music: Adam & The Ants - Stand And Deliver
Current mood: tired, but amused

I Was The Responsible One?

With some of the things that have been happening lately, I ended up talking to someone I used to be friends with in high school. We lost touch partway through college because of things that happened, but we occasionally get to talk now.

One of the things that came up was how bizarre it was that I was considered the responsible one by the parents of so many of my friends. Apparently any uneasiness was put aside if I was going to be involved. Don't ask me why, but it's true.

I find that especially weird considering some of the insane things *I* did even back then. However, I guess it was that I tried to keep everyone *else* from getting into too much trouble and that I could handle things if they got out of hand that made me the "safe" one to be with (I mean, who better to have your son/daughter out with than their friend that can smooth over problems and, if it comes down to it, help treat injuries or inflict them, right?)

Yeah, I was a regular snarky knight in shiny armor [/sarcasm].

The funny thing is that many activities were only approved *if* I'd be going (road trips, concerts, etc etc etc). If I wasn't going, my friends weren't allowed to go either. It was kind of surreal because I was considered a sort of surrogate adult.

Anyway, to get back on track, my friend and I were talking and that came up. He was as amazed at the whole thing as I was (in part, I think, because he knew some of the insanity that was my life). He ended up making fun of the whole situation himself during part of the conversation:

Friend's mom: Where are you going?
Friend: Um... to ritually sacrifice animals?
Friend's mom: Is James going??
Friend: Yes...
Friend's mom: Okay. Have fun.

(Please note that there was no animal sacrifice involved. I have too much respect for animals. Some people, on the other hand, are fair game in my book *smirk*)

Current mood: tired...
Current music: Sneaker Pimps - Kiss & Swallow

Going To Extremes.

Given the hurricane that hit New Orleans, I made a call to a friend of mine today who lives there just to make sure that he, the wife, and the dog were okay.

"Yeah, we're in Alaska"

I'm sorry, but I thought you said something about the Great White North. I know they said to evacuate, but wasn't that a little extreme?

It turns out that they were on vacation and left home a few days early due to the evac order.

However, I am rather certain that my facial expression was pretty amusing, because when he said he was in Alaska, I just sort of stood there for a second. I think the next thing out of my mouth was "huh?" lol

I love my friends. If nothing else, they keep me on my toes... =]

Current mood: tired
Current music: The Bravery - Believe

Computer Haiku

These were actually written right after I logged off the night I wrote the 3am Haiku entry, but I just haven't bothered to put them up here yet.

Enjoy (or cringe. Whichever you prefer.)

Program is not flawed
It's a feature not a bug
Users never learn

Microsoft asks us
Where we want to go today
Answer's not Vista

The program compiles
A pointer is left dangling
Seg fault, dumping core

Code is like Neo
It learns that there is no spoon
But there is a fork()

You wrote the program
Others much maintain your code
Leave comments, damnit

Current mood: tired
Current music - Vanessa Carlton - Paint it Black

More Proof That I'm Evil

I was sitting here a little while ago, taking care of one of my swords and looked over to where my gloves were laying.

As some of the people who have trained with me over the years can tell you, I tend to get attached to my gear. After a while, it sort of becomes a part of me. It's true of my swords, it's true of my armor, and it's true of my gloves (whose smell I admit that I find intoxicating and a powerful memory trigger. There's just something about well-worn leather).

Part of the reason I am so attached to a simple pair of gloves is the time that it takes to break them in. The current pair I use, I've had for almost 8 years now, and it took over a year to break them in.

That's right. It took a year of fighting 2-3 days a week for 2-3 hours per day to break in a simple pair of gloves. For that year, until the inside of the gloves were cured by my sweat, my hands would be blue at the end of the night from the dye leaching out of the leather.

This is where we get to proof that I'm evil.

Among other things, I was in charge of training the problem fighters - the ones with too much aggression, too little aggression, poor control, etc (this is what growing up training will get you: more responsibility). The result of this was that I dealt with a lot of slaps to the hand area. It's a good thing my gloves have padding across the back of the hand.

One of the problem fighters was Karyl.

Her problem was that she had too little aggression, so I pushed her. I made her hit me. I taunted her into it. I demanded it. I actually yelled at her to hit me harder because she wasn't even hitting hard enough to score a fatal hit (which doesn't take a whole lot of pressure). I even whacked myself in the mask repeatedly with my sword to make the point that she wasn't going to hurt me.

She finally started to hit harder. However, being a beginner, she was still a bit sloppy so there were more than a few slapping shots to my hands (I wasn't allowed to train them the way my sifu trained me. They should be glad for that, but their control would have been a whooooole lot better lol).

Now, remember what I said about the gloves? Well, they were still leaching.

At the end of the night, she's standing there when I pull off the gloves. Both of my hands are bruise blue from the black dye in the gloves.

I can NOT pass up a joke like this that falls into my lap.

I look down, pretending to notice my hands are covered in "bruises," and she follows my glance.

"LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!!!"

Karyl promptly freaks out, falling all over herself apologizing and looking like she's torn between running away and passing out while I nearly fall over on the floor laughing.

Hi. My name is James, and I'm an evil bastard. =]

At least she laughs about it now. lol

Current mood: amused yet frustrated
Current music: Billy Joel - I go to extremes

That'll never be abused.

Apparently, ICANN is talking about the open creation of top level domains.

That's right. Anyone who wants will be able to create one.

I call dibs on .onmyface and .inbedwithachicken

I just think it has the potential for hilarity *giggles*


Current mood: amused
Current music: Basement Jaxx - Where's Your Head At

3 a.m Haiku

The moon shines brightly
Light reflected from the sun
Not made of green cheese

Cat contemplates world
Leaves gift for us to step on
Hairball in the night

Ice is found on Mars
Intelligent life there too?
Certainly not here

Incoherent words
Drool pooled upon my keyboard
Typing while asleep

Writing bad haiku
Great distraction from boredom
Words torture reader

Don't read my haiku
Bad poems are much like yawns
They are contagious

I write bad poems
You shudder as you read them
I laugh at your pain

Hand reaches upward
Splitting wide the rich black earth
The zombies return

Zombie bites your head
Looking for a brain to eat
He dies of hunger

Can't breathe during night
Furry monster on my chest
It's only the cat

Scuffle at the door
Cat wishes to sleep with me
But he hogs the bed

I must get some sleep
But I can not quit writing
Make the poems stop

There is quite thin line
Between genius and crazy
I cross it daily

Why bad poetry
Comes so easily at 3
I have no idea

Compelled to write more
But I really need to sleep
This is the last one:

World is full of strife
To quote Edward R Murrow
Good night and good luck

The Magnetic Poetry Sea

I'm a magnetic poetry addict. Have been since college. A certain someone got me into it, and, well, it went from there. The fact that I love word games and language probably doesn't help.

Recently, I got a few new ones. I found them on American Science & Surplus of all places. Since they were only $2 each, I splurged and got all four sets - Alien, Ghost, Therapy, and Gross & Weird.

This has lead to a number of weird and amusing, even by my standards, strings of words on my marker boards. Among them are the following:

"What would Jung do?"
"Vomit, by Freud"
"I possess repressed overbearing pathological sanity!"
"You can't destroy her invisible codependent goblin cloud"
"Smile you're having an anal probe!"
"They let me eat his eyes at the ritual"
"The stormy corpse flew on frightening Halloween instinct"
"Subconscious knife rain"
"Fantastic diagnosis or wicked extraterrestrial meds?"
and "Beta-powered sexual meteor!"

I have no idea where that last one came from. I basically just pulled words out of my tub and there it was. Go figure.

I refer to the collection as The Magnetic Poetry Sea because it's really starting to get fairly large. I wasn't kidding when I say there's a tub of it. If I get a house, I have a feeling that a wall of one of the rooms (or at least a significant portion of it) will be magnetic for the Mag Poetry Sea.

The Sea just keeps growing. Some companies even feed my addiction because they give sheets of the stuff as swag. =]

I really want a set with programming words, though. I may end up having to get a printable magnet sheet and making my own.

Current mood: amused
Current music: Backyard Babies - Pet Semetary

Why yes, I *am* a swordsman...

Slashdot had an article about a book review on what sci-fi technologies may actually be feasible at some point. The thing that made this semi-noteworthy is the fact that the author was Michio Kaku, one of the inventors of string theory.

Among the things he thinks could be possible are light sabers. Of course, there were a number of people that were all for that one, myself included. However, I also had to point out that, being a swordsman, I know full well that most people who tried to use one would end up cutting off various parts of their bodies with them (not that I view this as a necessarily bad thing *grin*).

Slashdot being Slashdot, someone had to come on and tell me that I didn't know jack about anything and that "People who practice with swords are the ones more likely to get hurt bacause it seems like something they are used to, but isn't." (Which isn't true. Only people who are bad at it would have that problem. The people who actually know what they're doing can practice with just a hilt or a simple empty hand and be able to know where the blade would be)

To top it off, in an effort to "prove" that I didn't "know jack" (his words), he demanded to know how many life and death combat situations I'd been in.

*smirks*

I don't think he was expecting the answer that he got, which was a non-zero number (and further explained that it was a lowball number because there were other attempts to shorten my life over the years, but they weren't very good, so I only counted the ones I saw as a real threat). I then asked him how many *he'd* been in =]

Believe it or not, there have been some people out there that *really* didn't like me (hard to believe, I know. Lovable cuss that I am heh), and there have been situations where I've ended up in, shall we say, the strange place at the interesting time (sometimes that means that you get a fun/interesting opportunity and other times it can mean that someone wants to put a few new holes in you...).

I also don't think he was expecting to find out that I've been training as long as I have... Heck, *I* have a hard time wrapping my head around that one sometimes because I never really think of it that way, and it's such a large portion of my life.

He never said another word.

Funny that.

Sorry, but the whole thing just amused me. It happens sometimes.

(Yes, I know I haven't been updating lately. I really need to work on that among everything else that I'm doing. Bad James! Bad! Bad James!)

Current mood: amused
Current music: A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras

Amusing Irony

You know, there is something amusingly ironic about the author of a book on C# being named John Sharp.

And yes, according to his bio, he codes in J# as well.

I take this as yet more proof that the world has a sense of humor.

Current mood: amused
Current music: Eiffel 65 - Silicon World

I Think I’ve Lost It.

Ever have one of those dreams that cause you to wake up and wonder what the heck the sandman was smoking when he dropped off your nightly shipment of pixie dust?

Yesterday was one of those, and I have to say that he must have some really good stuff in his private stash.

I can just picture it. A very high sandman staggers into my bedroom with bloodshot eyes, smelling of herb, and says, in a bad Jamaican accent, “hey, mon, you’ll never believe what I got for you tonight. *giggle and coughing fit*. By the way, got any Doritos? I’m hungry.”

It involved zombies. Lots and lots of zombies coming out of some cave, and I was fighting them along with a bunch of other people, some of which I know in reality, some of which I don’t (seemingly generic people).

And then there was… Mr. T.

You heard me. I was fighting zombies with Mr. T.

Don’t blame me. It wasn’t my dream. It was the fault of the stoner sandman. Honest.

Unfortunately, Mr. T was not as tough in my dream as he is on TV and did not fare well against the zombies. His age must be catching up with him because they ended up bringing him back to the base with half his butt missing (don’t ask me. That’s just how it ended up, no pun intended.)

That’s when I woke up – from a zombie dream featuring a half-assed Mr. T.

I was afraid to even try to go back to sleep because I knew if I did, the dream would just resume.

All I can say is “I’m Mr. T, and I’m a Night Elf Mohawk! (but I suck at fighting zombies)”

Current mood: I don’t even know where to start
Current music: Curve – Crystal

Bad Santa.

Apparently Billy Bob Thornton broke into the Microsoft codebase sometime between last Christmas and now.

Once again, Microsoft made their Santa AI agent (based on one of the many classic AI bots that so many of us know so well), only to pull it recently.

It seems that, when repeatedly asked about eating pizza by an underage girl, Santa responded “You want me to eat what?!? It’s fun to talk about oral sex, but I want to chat about something else.”

Microsoft said they don’t suspect a prank on the part of one of their developers and have since repaired the offending code, but are not going to bring Santa back online at the current time.

I wonder if Santa made his own naughty list this year. =]

Current mood: amused
Current music: Lit – My Own Worst Enemy

Merchandising!

Today, while wondering through a store, I saw something that made me do a double take. You could say that it was a case of merchandising gone much too far.

“What?” you ask?

Jeff Foxworthy Teriyaki Style Beef Jerky.

I kid you not.

I think he must have a new addition to his list –

You might be a redneck if…. You eat Jeff Foxworthy Teriyaki Style Beef Jerky.

Current mood: amused
Current music: Cyndi Lauper – The Goonies R Good Enough (hey, one bout of cheese deserves another)